Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
by Synthesis Landale
Summary: Kirk/Spock slash. After Requiem For Methuselah, Spock erases Kirk's memories, but it's not the first time he's done this.


Disclaimer: I don't own Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Star Trek or McCoy's speech at the beginning of this fic, which is lifted directly from the TOS episode "Requiem For Methuselah". The only purpose of this fanfiction is for entertainment purposes and I am not making any money from this. I also don't own Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, though it was an incredible movie.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

"You'll never know the things that love can drive a man to. The ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories. All of these things you'll never know, simply because the word "love" isn't written into your book. Good night, Spock."

McCoy left the room, leaving Spock alone with Kirk. Spock turned and watched the sleeping form, the pain slipping away as his Captain found some respite in sleep.

_You are incorrect, Doctor,_ Spock thought, as he analyzed Kirk's breathing pattern, the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. He was fast asleep. Spock wondered if he was dreaming of Rayna, of their time together, at his sorrow of losing her. They had only known one another a short time, yet that was how Kirk loved women - passionately, but ultimately short term.

Spock tentatively moved over to Kirk's side and put his fingers to the side of his sleeping face, almost in a caress. I must remove these memories that are causing him pain._ It is logical. It is for the safety of the ship. The Captain cannot be distracted - not by anything._ That was his reasoning - had been his reasoning the other times he had done this, as well. He clung to it like a mantra, a logical excuse for an emotional response.

So it was that he uttered "Forget" and reached into Kirk's mind, drawing forth the memories of Rayna. Yet he couldn't bring himself to erase them, these pieces of the brilliant, human mind that he loved. He kept them in his own memory, with the other memories he'd drawn out from Kirk's mind. The memories of Miraminee, the grief at losing a wife and an unborn child. The thoughts of Edith Keeler, who had needed to die to preserve the universe they were in. The feelings for a dozen other women who Kirk had loved and left behind.

Memories of him and Kirk together, as well. Spock drew a deep breath to control his emotions as he recalled a dozen confessions of love, a few brief moments where he had held his Captain, his Jim, in his arms, kissed him, even made love with roaming hands and experimental touches. Jim had wondered how he knew exactly where to touch him, but Spock had done this before, over and over again. As Kirk had inevitably fallen asleep, he had lifted the memories as his hand trembled, as his very soul rebelled against his actions.

_It is all for the good of the ship. It is all for Jim's safety._

Spock removed his hand from the side of Kirk's face. The Captain was undisturbed. In the morning he would remember little. Rayna's face would become fuzzy and out of reach, like all the others, his feelings would be gone, and he would go back to being the brilliant Captain, unfettered by sorrow or unwanted feelings.

Someday Kirk would find out. Indeed, Spock planned to tell him after their five-year mission was over, return to him the memories that he had taken once the danger of outer space was past. He would face Kirk's judgement and inevitable anger then, and go back to Vulcan to take the Kohlinar, the discipline to remove all emotion. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was what had to be done. _This is for his safety. I won't allow feelings to put his life at risk._

He looked down at Kirk's face, a peaceful expression filling it. He had heard McCoy say an old Earth saying once; "Ignorance is bliss". He had thought it illogical to wish for a lack of knowledge, yet here he was taking knowledge from a man's mind.

It was a crime, a crime against the Vulcan way, a crime against the Human way as well, and he would pay in time. He stilled the trembling of his hand that yearned to defy him and return all the memories right then, but then he thought of Jim making a fatal mistake, Jim lying dead - his greatest fear, one he buried under layers of Vulcan emotional control but faced every time Jim beamed down with an away team. Jim's safety had to be worth the price he paid every day, the price of knowing Jim returned his feelings but could not remember all the times they had touched as more than friends. The price of knowing that once Kirk knew the truth, he would turn away from him, betrayed, and Spock would go to Gol to purge himself of the one emotion he treasured - his love for Jim Kirk.

Spock left the room before he could change his mind, his entire body shaking._ I must meditate. I must being my emotions under control. It is all for him. To keep him safe. To that end, there is nothing I would not do. Even this._

_Even this._


End file.
